Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.