Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian attacked at the Paris Fashion Show, but unfortunately it wasn't by ISIS.

   I would never wish bad things upon anyone... but if ISIS just so happened to run into Tom Brady... I wouldn't be too upset.

   Kim Kardashian was attacked at the Paris Fashion Show! It is still unknown which NFL player assaulted her, but Roger Goodell vows to educate these exceedingly uneducated players. Mainly because this just puts the bi+ch back in the spotlight.

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   BREAKING NEWS: Reports seem to be premature that Barack Obama's nomination to replace Eric Holder will be Flavor Flav.

   Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.

   Rickie Fowler has had USA shaved into his head in preparation for The Ryder Cup. Rory MciLroy has won 2 majors as part of his preparations

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?