Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.

   Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.

   I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.

   it me? Or do these new iPhone 6 issues have a lot of people bent out of shape?

   Shawshank my way out of here!

   I am sorry I had feelings. I'll replace them with jokes right away.

   I just yawned and my last girlfriends soul flew out.

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   Making bad decisions can be your thing too It's not limited to idiots only

   A plunger, but for feelings.

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?

   While eliminating ISIS, there is another group of terrorists that has been terrorising Americans for years that needs to be taken care of for good. The Kardashians.

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   My therapist is a beer

   The Status here are dying. We need new blood.

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married