Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   I wish people were more social on social sights. . .

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.

   Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .

   If Peterson's kid didn't want to get spanked, then he shoudn't have misbehaved. He'll know better next time.

   PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours.

   That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"