Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?

   How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, feminists can't change anything, silly!

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys