Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else remembers having cases of CDs?? With labels like "party mix", "rap" and "Slow jams"

   My definition of RAP: Rotten Audio Products

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   If you enter a room and there's no food, you're in the wrong room.

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.

   Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.

   U put songs like Anaconda on your top 10 list and you wonder why the world hatez you. - Tastless

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   Yes men, you CAN fold a washcloth the wrong way.

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.