Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   I don't always get erections at Burger King. But when I do, their a whopper!

   Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

   I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   "Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies.

   I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns