Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

   I care more about the reception being an open bar than whether you marry same sex

   for this of you who ever accused me of being full of sh*t, my colonoscopy prep work has now proven you otherwise!

   So she says "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my 'toys'" I say "but your toys won't wake you up @ 4am like a good boyfriend will do for you"

   I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........

   Lots of Movers and Shakers in Napa This Morning ...

   Pro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I see someone failed the 'Ice Chris Brown Challenge'...

   She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!

   I was going to do the Alzheimer's ice bucket challenge. But I keep forgetting.

   Sexy lingerie should NOT be available in XXL sizes.

   the nfl: knock a woman out - suspended 2 games... drink beer - suspended 4 games...

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   so for my ice bucket challenge I would like to nominate fumanya mutamba from northern africa. you have 24 hours or pay 100 dollars.

   I am an agnostic. I have no problem with any faith...unless that faith tries to impose laws on me based on their faith. Then we have a problem.

   When women wear makeup they're basically lying to us.

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   How about something colder than a bucket full of ice? Like a bucket full of your exes hearts.

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.