Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good luck!

   In an effort to clear the streets of Ferguson, Mo, local authorities have hired the services of Tony Stewart

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   How about we replace the water in these Ice bucket challenges with acid and rid ourselves of some of these self-conceited and egoistic "celebrities"???

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   *calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.

   Poor planning on your part does not make it is an emergency on my part.

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.