Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   Not one back to school special on beer. Whatkind of world do we live in.

   Wasn't Al Bundy's toilet also named Ferguson?

   I tried to buy a zebra from the zoo and I was told it was not for sale. I said it should be it has bar codes all over it. . .

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   And for my next magic trick, I'll walk down a street and turn into a bar.

   I'm sure all the cold water dumping videos have just about cured cancer...

   first snow fall of the year I am initiating a naked snow angel challenge to raise awareness of challenges that raise awareness.

   I'm not strong enough to be your man, you weigh too much for me to lift honey. . .

   I elect the women in the World with large breasts to support ALS by pouring ice water over yourself wearing a white shirt and no bra. Thank you.

   Hello? Yes, I would like to cancel those vacation plans to beautiful Ferguson, MO.