Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   I was invited to take part in a flash mob. Showed up in just my trenchcoat. Now I'm disappointed.

   If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens

   hmmmm...... Thats weird, I dont remember eating corn last night?

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   If I lived beneath a tap dancer I think I would just put really powerful magnets on my ceiling.

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...

   Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a $hit?

   Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No, Officer. I thought sure that you would know.

   Drinky Poos'- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. Drinky Poos'- What a man has the morning after a night of drinking.

   Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"? 'Robin Williams, Mrs doubtfire'

   Officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: Just trying to keep up with traffic. Officer: There's no one on the road. Me: That just shows how far behind I am.

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned