Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   why do blind people smile?

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   "You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.