Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a Man......The world is my urinal.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   If you find a kitten & it licks your face, it's your new kitten. I know this because that's how I met my wife.

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   Have you tried not taking another selfie?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   Me: I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.

   Sorry I keep forgetting you're not my therapist.

   Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.

   Thanks alot Mark Fuckerberg. Just had to poop without Facebook like I was some kind of cave man.

   Facebook has been down today. Has anyone asked if it's ok hun?

   "Here, tell me if my butthole stinks." ~cats

   They need to create an app to let you know if someone is a freak. I mean crazy for those thinking nasty. Get your mind out the gutter

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!