Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you

   But in dog beers, I only had one.

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Hey MWC, What about your pinis? Don't you feel bad about beating the only thing that ever stood up for you!!??

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...

   Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

   At least now I know the real reason why I've never been asked to play on a professional volleyball team...

   I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.

   Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.

   My internet goes out more than I do.

   How come boogers come out so easy, and they are SO hard to get off your finger?

   Tried to kill a cockroach with Aqua Net and now it smokes two packs a day, joined my bowling league and calls itself Brenda

   Scones are just uppity biscuits...