Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Icebergs started the whole "Just the tip" lie.

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   So desperately in need of a mindgasm. Stimulation of the mind can be bliss but share it with someone and it becomes heaven on earth.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes.

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   How much is it to see the therapist? Ma’am, that’s a buffet.

   How much for this black sheep? Sir, that's a mirror.

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   Hello, it was great ignoring each other while I was here. We need to do this more often. . .

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

   I'm thinking of going on an alcohol diet.... As I need to lose a few days!

   We all have those friends that are fine to 'hangout' with on FB, but in real life you wanna punch them right in the face. Oh wait.......that's my family.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   Why do only 50 percent of women go to heaven?..........because if they all went, it would be hell.

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN