Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The ones who could afford 1st class on the Malaysian airlines flight, didn't live any longer than those on economy...

   If Beyonce with all her beauty, talent and money can get cheated on, what chance you you basic women have?

   Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   You're never too old to learn stupid siht...

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.