Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   my wife turned on some p0rn and said, "I want to show you what I like" then it got awkward I don't have a huge black d*ck.

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN

   For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....

   "Her blue eyed Summer time smile Looks so good that it hurts Makes you wanna build A 10 percent down White picket fence house on this dirt." FGL

   The day the progressive lady makes out with the Wendy's girl is the day I become a loyal customer to both.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   When I die, donate my teeth to the Walmart Cashiers.

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   I can't wait until I'm old enough to get my own zombie .......a lot of people at the retirement home have walkers

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   Saw my ex for the first time since we broke up at a diner last night. She was with another guy. So I ordered a sandwich, took a few bites, went up to their table, handed her date my leftovers and walked away.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Tell a woman she looks great 10,000 times, she never remembers, but call her fat just once and she'll never forget it. AmIright? AmIright?

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   Malaysian Airlines tickets will be half price from now on because that is as far as you are going to get.