Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for the phone charger? Sir, that's a nuclear power plant.

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   One sneaky missle attack on copa cabana beach now and the Falklands is maintenance free forever

   Don't cry for me Argentina

   The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?

   Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   when Catholics do that ‘head, shoulder, knees and toes’ thing then fool everyone they’ve prayed.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   it still consensual if she agrees not to call the cops?

   ever wonder if someone trusts you? grab the hammer & say "hold the nail"

   Hoax 1. humorous or malicious deception. 2. something intended to deceive or defraud. (Some of you really needed to learn this.)

   it still considered premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember someone has to clean the bathroom at TacoBell