Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!

   Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.

   a lot of wankers here who will thumb down a good joke cos it threathens their own

   The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   real men don't overuse emojis.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   Do you consider it as an insult to be hit on by a gay guy? YES - t hums d0wn NO - t humbs Uo

   If my girlfriend really loved me she would be Megan Fox.

   X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.