Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They are holding English signs because they want you to get the heck out of their country

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   When a girl says "lol have fun." do NOT have fun. Abort mission. Repeat Abort Mission.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   I think there should be something in science called "the reindeer effect". I don't know what it would be, but it would be cool to hear someone say "Gentleman what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect"

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   UP for The Undertaker. DOWN for John Cena.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.

   How much for the license to kill? Ma'am, thats a marriage certificate.