Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.

   Wimbledon 2014 - My wife is a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I promised her I will stop.

   No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   Being funny is so much hotter than being hot.

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   I use to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean

   Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   remove money from a relationship and see if it still stands.

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."

   I typed in "Tim Howard" into Google. I'm waiting for the search results but I think they've been blocked.

   I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\