Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who are you and why do I have to read about your workout and eating routine every day on Facebook?

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   "You make me a better person" - Me talking to my beer!

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I think, therefore I drink.

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.