Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call..."America's most wanted" or Pedofiliers/Stalkers

   Chicken Omelette - a vendetta against the chicken race! Usually when a contract chicken killer who has it in for the chicken, to not only take out a hen's eggs, but to stuff it with chicken! 2 generations of chicken dead!

   Been teaching the grandkids about taxes at DQ by eating 38% of their ice cream.......

   In my day, a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we played Tic-Tac-Toe on that $hit.

   You know when a friend says, "I thought of you the other day." And then smile so it looks like their whole face is smiling...I like that. I like that a lot.

   Remember when Pink made girls look cute, now it makes them look trashy

   Check out Google's homepage right now. It's hilarious

   Sooooo workin for TSA wasn't a good enough job so you decided to sell... Coke and make Crack at your house while the kids were there....smh

   Pringles - The only chip company in the world, that doesn't sell air!

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.

   Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”

   Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.

   Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.