Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   yes I have a dirty mind, and you are in it…

   Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful

   where did all these feelings come from and where can I put them

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.