Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hell, women are even more right.

   America put men on the moon; we don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.

   A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Relationship status: "Yeah, we can totally go out, but first, I need you to take this short spelling test."

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   It's all good to be a religious person.. Just do it way over there... Away from me

   My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*

   Have you ever noticed that the people you'd like to say "Go to H ell!" to are almost always the kind of people who'd ask for detailed directions?

   Let me drink about it and get back to you.

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men