Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

   If your other half is being cold, try setting them on fire, it never fails

   My sister just walked in from the pool wearing her new bathing suit...a dyed black parachute.

   Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

   As an adult, true confidence can only be measured by taking a dump, and doing ONE no look wipe and walking away with a smile on your face. Period.

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything

   My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   What you call a "morning wood" I call "breakfast in bed"

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.