Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI all you taking those stupid FB quiz's... EVERYONE is getting Rockstar status.... so is it really your calling? No. Your calling is wasting time taking Facebook quiz's.

   Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they're and there.

   Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true.

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.

   I bet Rosa Parks kicked ass at Musical Chairs.

   I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!

   Can you honor Maya Angelou by not pretending that you knew much about her?

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.

   I often wonder, people with full body art tattoos. Does their $hit come out rainbow colored. . .

   My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.

   My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.

   I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of

   Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

   He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

   Dear customer service: I’m typing this with my middle fingers, if that tells you anything about my satisfaction.

   Are you still a girl if you don't put a smile face at the end of a text?

   You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever" !