Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

   Why are the people who are always demanding respect the ones who least deserve it?

   I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   This is the only way I know how to correctly usea semi-colon ;)

   I'm pretty sure my counting sheep are out parting with Mary's little lamb and Baa Baa Black Sheep.............

   Saturdays hold the distinction of being the day of the week that has the least amount of facebook activity. It's good to know that many folks still have a life 1/7 of the time.

   My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."

   I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.

   I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   Sorry I had a glass of wine and ruined our relationship.

   i will destroy you in the most beautiful way

   I'm sorry I asked who your cute friend was on our date but that should teach you not to bring your friends along on our dates.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   At some point that loving relationship you cherish is going to develop into a battle of sighs & eye rolls.

   I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.

   I would probably enjoy rough sex a lot more if I wasn't always alone.

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.