Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   hey people who pull the finger in pics; what;s wrong? Did the camera lens bully you?

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   Save a tree, use a sock.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.

   Guys.. You ever see a very attractive female and think "man, I have no idea how she could be single" and then she says 4 sentences, and it all makes sense...

   The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit

   My landlord just called and said my neighbors just complained about all the loud freaky sex they are hearing from my house... So now I'm on my way to buy some headphones for my laptop...

   Authorities should not allow the "selfie" song on the radio. It leaves you no choice but to drive off the road into a tree!

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.

   Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!

   I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!

   My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.

   Global Warming would not be a problem if people would stop producing so much hot air complaining about Global Warming.

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed

   I'm at my most popular when I just want to be alone.