Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   Whenever I think I've come up with something very twisted, and I'm a horrible person for it, I simply remember that some nut in South America named the largest body of water there Lake Titicaca.

   Daughter: Mama, can a girl get pregnant from @n@l s3x? Mother: Why sure, Honey. Where do you think lawyers come from?

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   Now, I’m no expert on crack heads, but shouldn’t Rob Ford only have one chin?

   Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'

   Oprah wants to buy the LA Clippers? The only dribbling she knows are the ones she gets on the corner of her mouth when she sees red velvet cheesecake.

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   I never understand why kids just start crying out of the blue. What’s up? You remember you can’t wipe your ass? Or mad you can’t eat steak?

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   I'd do anything for love... except get married.

   At least Donald Sterling's schedule just freed up for all those KKK meetings he's been missing.

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

   If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜

   I like my coffee so black not even Donald Sterling will drink it

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy walk into a bar. They have a great time, they're friends. It's 2014 you racist punks