Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

   Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium