Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.

   Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.