Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the type of person who hides 99 problems behind the happiest smile :)

   You look like the type of person that takes a Facebook quiz to find out what Flower or Celebrity you are.

   The worst part about shooting a unicorn with a crossbow is that it turns into a real horse when it dies and no one believes you.

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   Ladies; if your man has to stand on something to change a light bulb, you’re in a lesbian relationship.

   People who use tea bags only once, who the f cuk do you think you are? Bill Gates?

   When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.

   That frisk you give yourself when you can’t feel your phone. you even pat your knees like your phone could ever be there.

   The only heterosexual way for a man to shave his legs, is if he falls off a motorcycle at 120 mph.

   Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.

   Every time I see you I ask myself why the hell are you still alive.

   It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber.

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.

   My reaction to the royals William and Kate visiting Australia is the same reaction I had to their kid being born. I couldn't give a f you c k!!

   Kanye West is being sued by a woman who claims to have given birth to his love child. Kanye took it all in stride, however, since he has a history of being in "arrears" with other women

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.