Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   Auto correct just changed my ex's name to deceitful sh*t talking money grubbing never in the mood for sex b*tch Weird

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   I might be white, but I'm not "saves plastic grocery bags to use for trash can liners" white.

   Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

   You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   What's with these atheists getting all snarky on us believers on Easter. We didn't give them a hard tome on April Fool's Day.

   I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.

   My safe word is Obamacare.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.