Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well I was wrong about what I thought a Herpetologist is.

   Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and p orn collection.

   Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?

   I hate when reality happens outside of my head.

   My wife has decided to get a nose job. Unfortunately, the rest of her hasn't got a job to pay for it.

   Just glad Jesus died on a Friday Good Monday just doesn't 'roll' off the tongue as well

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm definitely not trying to insult your intelligence, you would have to possess some first.

   If no one is there to touch you, are you really there?

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go anywhere is an invention of lucifer himself.

   If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.

   I'm really tired but it's OK. There's a nap for that.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   Gentlemen playing leapfrog are kindly requested to complete their leaps. - sign in a g@y nudi$t colony.

   Pain wouldn't be so bad if it didn't hurt so much.