Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.

   it's not "stalking" .....it's "starting a secret fan club that only has 1 member"

   The moon is so red tonight......oh wait my eyes are just blood shot....

   a lot of single women claim they're looking for "Mr. Right" so maybe I should change my last name to "Right"......then all these women will be wanting me

   the man in the moon is so embarrassed....look how red he is

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   n't it interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.