Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   My shadow is my only black friend.

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Being a gentleman in these times is a thankless job. I tried to compliment a seemingly nice young lady and ended up having to explain that I'm not, thirsty, creepy or a stalker.

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.

   You look familiar. Have I stalked you before?

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   Lightning is like God's way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"

   I blew my nose and then wiped my ass on the same piece of toilet paper. Your move Al Gore

   This Bundy ranch thing seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just so Obama can have a ribeye

   I find it very curious how quickly the Bundy ranch standoff was resolve once Hary Reid's involvement with the Chinese Gov't to develop the same ranch land was discovered ..... LOL

   Nowhere in the nursery rhyme does it mention that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   never really understood why Clark Griswold lusted after Christie Brinkley, when he had a smoking hot wife like Beverly D'Angelo!!

   LBJ. 36th President or Mexican porn star??

   Before thinking about changing the world for your favour, think about your teeth first. IF you change your mind, you might change the world.

   He who does not understand your silence, is crazy and will probably not understand your words.

   When in a relationship, a real man doesn't make his woman jealous of others, he makes others jealous of his woman

   Dear whoever is playing sweet child o' mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!