Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.

   I find it ironic that I watched the movie "jobs" (about the creator of Apple) on my HP computer running windows 8.1..

   The barista at Starbucks gave me a free Mocha this morning! Must be a follower...... Facebook fame is finally paying off!

   how do Mexican's cut their pizza?? with Little Caesars

   I wanna make a t shirt with hitler swinging a baseball bat and FDR in umpire gear saying 3 Reichs you're out

   Some people fight for their instincts even stronger than they fight for their principles.

   It's almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?" he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.

   My research has shown that girls with shaved-off-and-drawn-back-on eyebrows tend to be more confused by a push/pull door than a 5 year old toddler.

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.

   Be generous with time! Use as much of it as you can by telling people to get the f cuk out of your face!

   Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.

   If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.

   Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.

   This vacation ain't nothing to write home about.

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually...damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..