Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...

   Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.

   Inspirational status: If you can make a person happy today don't do it. Punch them in the face instead and steal their shoes.

   Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

   A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   making up for low grades with high calories

   that horrible moment when you actually fall in love

   Hairdresser: do you like it? Me: yes thank you *goes home and cries* (happens everytime)

   Let's face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

   Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?

   I always wonder if somebody's feet will be dirty after running thru my filthy mind all day

   I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.