Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   My holy water needs a bottle opener.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.