Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.

   When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   Good grief...dont just sit there with a stupid look on your face like Stephen Hawking...say something!

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.

   If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips

   If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   I heard the black box was found. Oprah spread her legs for Dr. Phil.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   If you're happy and you know it, leave your wife.

   Let's get naked and stay that way for a day. Or three.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic.

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it

   Procrastination comes to those who wait

   When you have a strict German wife and a questionable lifestyle you often have to explain to the guys how you "fell down the stairs" again.