Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drake has female tendencies.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   in the words of our dear beloved and departed, Mother Theresa - “these hoes ain’t loyal”

   how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?

   I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry

   Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.