Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.

   My ex asked me to buy her a birthday present. I bought her a coffin to let her know she is dead to me.

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.

   Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.

   Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.

   I got some new underwear. Well, new to me

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.

   Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet

   I'm just looking for a respectable woman who'll put her thang down flip it then reverse it

   This is your captain speaking, we're going to make a slight detour while I search for a Wifi signal

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.

   People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics

   The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your cell phone without asking first.

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.