Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper" and it was ugly and they clung and they were stalker.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   Oh, how I love being awake at stupid o'clock

   it's time to diet now. Even the shoelaces are getting to small.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get quiet.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   Do you ever wonder if the lesser known "So-so White Shark" has an inferiority complex?

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”

   People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.

   Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive.