Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its 2014, I shouldnt have to rip open my tampon wrapper with my teeth.

   The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.

   I don't need pants that fit at the waist anymore. I'm getting a Moo Moo.

   You're getting a cow? Maybe you mean a Muu Muu.

   When the zombie apocalypse finally starts I'm grabbing a big hammer and running straight to the graveyard to play the most awesome game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   Look, all I'm saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   Pandora just suggested that I listen to a preview of Nick Cannon's new album and technology has never made me this angry before.

   If I had a dollar for everytime my sexuality has been questioned, I could buy a BAD AZZ HARLEY, and a super cute pair of riding boots.

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"

   Dear Paycheck...I only see you on Fridays...I really wish you would stick around at least through the weekend....

   That 1/4 mile of blindness, before the defrost kicks in...

   I just realized something. Rosie O'Donnell reminds me of a circus bear in a pantsuit.

   I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'

   If bigger is better...explain lesbians.

   I'm that person who forgets to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook but waits til they thank everyone in a post and my comment is always, " You're welcome, let's do it again same time and place next year"

   It must take a lot of self-control to work in a bubble wrap factory.

   Twice in one week auto-correct has ruined possible relationships with big girls. One changed, "I miss you, sweetie"...to sweaty. And the other: "It's been been many moons since I heard your voice" to many moos.

   I don't know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.