Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

   Girl browsing on Tinder: no, no, no, no, yes....Guy browsing on Tinder: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!

   Ok super positive people, just calm down…not everything is a Gift, a Blessing or a Miracle.

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!

   A lot of people cry when chopping Onions......the trick is not to form an emotional bond

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!

   Behind a nagging woman.... there's a man who is not doing what he's supposed to!

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy don't react to it by acting all crazy..

   Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world. To get back from a woman.

   Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody's getting.

   Girls are never cuter than when they pretend that they’re easy going at the start of the relationship

   Why is it when you go to the bank and ask for a loan the first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need it?

   Real women don't label themselves as 'Dimes', 'Barbies', or 'Bad Bitćhes' because real men don't carry loose change, play with toy dolls, or wife dogs.

   She died doing what she loved......bringing up old sh*t.

   What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?