Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A selfie where your heart used to be.

   Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That's in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food.

   Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   It's all fun and games until someone breaks out the portable DNA testing kit.

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   I would probably buy my wife a lot more flowers if they were a plant that I could smoke and get high on once it died and dried out.

   A gentleman will always hold open the door for a lady. Because, you know...Dat Ass.

   "Knock Knock! .... "Who's there" . . . .Not the Malaysian airplane pilot

   Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now....THEY KNOW MAPS!!!!

   .... Went to McDonalds and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy.

   I beat the crap out of the paparazzi who took a selfie pic of me.

   Just watched a new documentary on Discovery. Now I fell bad for the so-so white shark.

   I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.

   Well the news reports that a Tibetan Mastiff was purchased in China for 2 Million Dollars. Some one over there is about to eat the most expensive authentic Chinese Meal they've ever had today.

   BREAKING NEWS: The pilot of the missing Malaysian plane was known to go by the name Waldo.

   Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady have put their LA Mega-Mansion up for sale. Sadly, in today's economy even the Brady-Bundchen can't keep their home.

   Friends make the worst enemies

   You guys just don't get me like you used to. - Polio

   Westboro Batist Church founder dead!!!! Who's up for a funeral protest?!?!?!