Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.

   hey religion. we've just physically proved the big bang theory. your move...

   On a scale of 1 to "Get out you're fired" where does napping at work rank?

   If by baby you mean dog, then yes I'd love to see pictures of your baby!

   I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full.

   Dear Car in Front of Me: I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.

   You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.

   I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!

   A good man is really hard to find.. When all you're looking for are the bad ones.

   I'm capable of love but i'm also capable of diarrhea so it's back to square one with me

   Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...

   I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Oscar was on his stumps.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.