Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life's not always.. 'Fun and games' Sometimes it's too much whiskey annnd... Oops.. Wrong hole!

   Terhuj bloody hassjth for gholpy draboplish wankers figli. Haha -Ozzy Osborne

   Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.

   To address the rumors, yes I am in love, yes it's with Tacos, and no you can't judge me.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's cool to put someone else's genitalia in your mouth but if I eat a dorito that I have picked up off the floor I am weird.

   I only smoke weed as a safety service for the general public.

   Don't you find it strange Kim Jong-il has a new Boeing 777 flying around North Korea?

   Listen, if I wanted to compromise I'd just tell you how it's gonna be.

   I sneak alcohol into work because I'm a problem solver.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.

   When my phone rings while I am am holding it in my hands, I feel like they can see me ignoring their call.

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.

   Searchers of the missing Malaysian plane have found the Wings, Mr & Mrs Wing say they don't know where the plane is though!

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Chicago

   "Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs' Anonymous meeting.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   never kill hope in your beloved ones; sometimes it's the only treasure they have.

   Justin Bieber needs to start flying on Malaysia Airlines.