Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone will fund it, I'll go to the rainforest and just lick stuff until I find a cool new drug.

   Amazon says that by 2015 they can make deliveries using drones, your move Jimmy Johns

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   It's kinda embarrassing that Nostradamus predicted we’d only have 5 Doritos flavors by 2014.. When we actually have like 15

   Bike Week...or as it's also known: White Trash On Wheels Week

   Magic Johnson only bought the LA Sparks so his son can play on the team

   "911, what's your emergency?"... "Hi. Long time listener, first time caller."... "That's really funny."... "Thank you. Anyways, I'm being stabbed."

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   Has FOX News blamed Obama for the missing Malaysian flight yet?

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Detroit.

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   The earth was made from God's recipe so its only fair that he takes responsibility for everything that is wrong with it. Blame the chef.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.

   The one thing they never warn you about, but really should.. is that when you get older, cramp during masturbation is a very real danger.

   You lost me at, ‘We need to talk’.